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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Officers
Committed
Husband
Crime
Law
Mother
Probation
Must
Officer
Marrying

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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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