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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Marrying
Officers
Committed
Husband
Crime
Law
Mother
Probation
Must
Officer
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
Phyllis Diller
My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
Phyllis Diller
... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
Phyllis Diller
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
Phyllis Diller
I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
Phyllis Diller
I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
Phyllis Diller
We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
Phyllis Diller
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Phyllis Diller
All mothers are working mothers.
Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
Phyllis Diller
