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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Mother
Probation
Must
Officer
Marrying
Officers
Committed
Husband
Crime
Law
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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self-pity is better than none.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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