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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Husband
Crime
Law
Probation
Mother
Officer
Must
Marrying
Officers
Committed

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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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