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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Marrying
Officers
Committed
Husband
Crime
Law
Mother
Probation
Must
Officer
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
Phyllis Diller
I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
Phyllis Diller
