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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Must
Officer
Marrying
Officers
Committed
Husband
Crime
Law
Mother
Probation

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller