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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Must
Officer
Marrying
Officers
Committed
Husband
Crime
Law
Mother
Probation

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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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