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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Water
Times
Three
Oar
Ended
Drive
Carry

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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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self-pity is better than none.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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