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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Ended
Drive
Carry
Water
Times
Three
Oar
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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