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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Water
Times
Three
Oar
Ended
Drive
Carry

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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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self-pity is better than none.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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