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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Oar
Ended
Drive
Carry
Water
Times
Three
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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