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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Post
Posts
Letters
Office
Dead
Kids
Used
Play
Letter

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
Phyllis Diller
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
Phyllis Diller
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
Phyllis Diller
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
Phyllis Diller
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
Phyllis Diller
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
Phyllis Diller
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
Phyllis Diller
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
Phyllis Diller
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
Phyllis Diller
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Phyllis Diller
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
Phyllis Diller