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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Turning
Dress
Dresses
False
Would
Peek
Like
Alarm
Alarms
Wore

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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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