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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Alarms
Wore
Turning
Dress
Dresses
False
Would
Peek
Like
Alarm

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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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