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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Dresses
False
Would
Peek
Like
Alarm
Alarms
Wore
Turning
Dress

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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
Phyllis Diller
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller