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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Estimate
Shop
Shops
Spent
Seven
Beauty
Hours

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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Phyllis Diller
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller