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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Spent
Seven
Beauty
Hours
Estimate
Shop
Shops

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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller