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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Bicycle
Bought
Smoking
Saved
Eight
Year
Money
Years

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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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