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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Policeman
Policemen
Allowed
Express
Police
Remember
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller
I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
Phyllis Diller
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller
Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller
Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
Phyllis Diller
