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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Policeman
Policemen
Allowed
Express
Police
Remember
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Phyllis Diller
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Phyllis Diller
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Phyllis Diller
Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
Phyllis Diller
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller
Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Phyllis Diller
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
Phyllis Diller
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller
It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
Phyllis Diller
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller
