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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Police
Remember
Policeman
Policemen
Allowed
Express
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
Phyllis Diller
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Phyllis Diller
I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Phyllis Diller
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Phyllis Diller
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Phyllis Diller
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
Phyllis Diller
My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
Phyllis Diller
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Phyllis Diller
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
