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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Children
Rent
Smaller
Younger
Look
Looks

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Phyllis Diller
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
Phyllis Diller
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
Phyllis Diller
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
Phyllis Diller
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Phyllis Diller
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
Phyllis Diller
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
Phyllis Diller
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Phyllis Diller
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Phyllis Diller