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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Underwear
Shape
Shapes
Wear
Body
Prescription
Prescriptions

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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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