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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Body
Prescription
Prescriptions
Underwear
Shape
Shapes
Wear

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Phyllis Diller
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
Phyllis Diller
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
Phyllis Diller
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Phyllis Diller
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
Phyllis Diller
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller