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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Body
Prescription
Prescriptions
Underwear
Shape
Shapes
Wear

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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
Phyllis Diller
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Phyllis Diller