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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Wear
Body
Prescription
Prescriptions
Underwear
Shape
Shapes

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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller