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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Stripe
Striped
Stripes
Skinny
Sister
Dress
Dresses
Law

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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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