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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Wedding
Lazy
Son
Losing
Husband
Suspected
Told
Gaining
Mother
Couch
Couches

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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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