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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Mother
Couch
Couches
Wedding
Lazy
Son
Losing
Husband
Suspected
Told
Gaining

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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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