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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Husband
Suspected
Told
Gaining
Mother
Couch
Couches
Wedding
Lazy
Son
Losing

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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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