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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Mercy
Talk
Plead
Jeans

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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Phyllis Diller
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Phyllis Diller
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Phyllis Diller