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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Jeans
Mercy
Talk
Plead

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
Phyllis Diller