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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Plead
Jeans
Mercy
Talk

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
Phyllis Diller
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
Phyllis Diller
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Phyllis Diller
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
Phyllis Diller
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
Phyllis Diller
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
Phyllis Diller
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
Phyllis Diller
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
Phyllis Diller
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
Phyllis Diller
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller