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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Jeans
Mercy
Talk
Plead

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Phyllis Diller
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
Phyllis Diller
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Phyllis Diller
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
Phyllis Diller
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
Phyllis Diller
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
Phyllis Diller