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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Middle
Age
Woman
Used
Think
Dip
Thinking
Cocktail
Cocktails
Spread

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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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