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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Middle
Age
Woman
Used
Think
Dip
Thinking
Cocktail
Cocktails
Spread

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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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