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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Thinking
Cocktail
Cocktails
Spread
Middle
Age
Woman
Used
Think
Dip

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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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self-pity is better than none.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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