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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Age
Woman
Used
Think
Dip
Thinking
Cocktail
Cocktails
Spread
Middle

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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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