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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Used
Think
Dip
Thinking
Cocktail
Cocktails
Spread
Middle
Age
Woman

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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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