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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Middle
Age
Woman
Used
Think
Dip
Thinking
Cocktail
Cocktails
Spread

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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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