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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Baby
Grab
Fans
Hospital
Turn
Hospitals
Turns
Electric
Sacks
Mother
Heads
Ugliest
World
Folks
Blade
Leaving
Photos
Asked
Blades

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Phyllis Diller
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
Phyllis Diller