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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Leaving
Photos
Asked
Blades
Baby
Grab
Fans
Hospital
Turn
Hospitals
Turns
Electric
Sacks
Mother
Heads
Ugliest
World
Folks
Blade

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
Phyllis Diller
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Phyllis Diller
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Phyllis Diller
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Phyllis Diller