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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Leaving
Photos
Asked
Blades
Baby
Grab
Fans
Hospital
Turn
Hospitals
Turns
Electric
Sacks
Mother
Heads
Ugliest
World
Folks
Blade

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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Phyllis Diller