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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Practice
Work
Life

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
Phyllis Diller
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Phyllis Diller
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
Phyllis Diller
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
Phyllis Diller
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
Phyllis Diller
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Phyllis Diller
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Phyllis Diller
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Phyllis Diller
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Phyllis Diller
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
Phyllis Diller
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
Phyllis Diller
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
Phyllis Diller