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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Practice
Work
Life

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Phyllis Diller
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
Phyllis Diller
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
Phyllis Diller
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self-pity is better than none.
Phyllis Diller
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
Phyllis Diller
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Phyllis Diller
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
Phyllis Diller
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
Phyllis Diller
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Phyllis Diller
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
Phyllis Diller
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Phyllis Diller
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
Phyllis Diller
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Phyllis Diller
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Phyllis Diller