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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Practice
Work
Life

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
Phyllis Diller
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
Phyllis Diller
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
Phyllis Diller
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Phyllis Diller
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Phyllis Diller
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
Phyllis Diller
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Phyllis Diller
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Phyllis Diller
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
Phyllis Diller
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
Phyllis Diller
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller