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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Christmas
Suicide
Shot
Shots
Committed
Fires
Husband
Santa
Fire
Cheap
Kids
Tells

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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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