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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Husband
Santa
Fire
Cheap
Kids
Tells
Christmas
Suicide
Shot
Shots
Committed
Fires

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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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