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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Committed
Fires
Husband
Santa
Fire
Cheap
Kids
Tells
Christmas
Suicide
Shot
Shots

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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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