Quote

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Phyllis Diller

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Fire
Cheap
Kids
Tells
Christmas
Suicide
Shot
Shots
Committed
Fires
Husband
Santa

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

Image
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Phyllis Diller
Image
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
Phyllis Diller
Image
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
Phyllis Diller
Image
You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Phyllis Diller
Image
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
Phyllis Diller
Image
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller
Image
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
Image
Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
Phyllis Diller