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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Kids
Tells
Christmas
Suicide
Shot
Shots
Committed
Fires
Husband
Santa
Fire
Cheap

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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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