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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Husband
Santa
Fire
Cheap
Kids
Tells
Christmas
Suicide
Shot
Shots
Committed
Fires
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller
All mothers are working mothers.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
Phyllis Diller
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
Phyllis Diller
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Phyllis Diller
self-pity is better than none.
Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Phyllis Diller
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Phyllis Diller
