Quote

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Phyllis Diller

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Husband
Santa
Fire
Cheap
Kids
Tells
Christmas
Suicide
Shot
Shots
Committed
Fires

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

Image
Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
Phyllis Diller
Image
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
Phyllis Diller
Image
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Phyllis Diller
Image
How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
Phyllis Diller
Image
It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
Phyllis Diller
Image
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
Phyllis Diller
Image
We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
Phyllis Diller
Image
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
Image
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
Image
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Phyllis Diller
Image
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Phyllis Diller