Quote

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Phyllis Diller

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Shots
Committed
Fires
Husband
Santa
Fire
Cheap
Kids
Tells
Christmas
Suicide
Shot

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

Image
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller
Image
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
Phyllis Diller
Image
It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller
Image
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
Phyllis Diller
Image
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller
Image
How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
Image
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Phyllis Diller
Image
You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
Phyllis Diller
Image
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller
Image
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Phyllis Diller
Image
[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller
Image
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Phyllis Diller
Image
get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
Phyllis Diller