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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Water
Thought
Giving
Considering
Going
Hot
Coffee
Husband
Birth
Least

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
Phyllis Diller