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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Giving
Considering
Going
Hot
Coffee
Husband
Birth
Least
Water
Thought
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
Phyllis Diller
