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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Water
Thought
Giving
Considering
Going
Hot
Coffee
Husband
Birth
Least
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Phyllis Diller
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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All mothers are working mothers.
Phyllis Diller
