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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Wearing
Worst
Anchovies
Girl
Fur
Look
Pitiful
Looks
Stole
Think
Unsuccessful
Thinking
Sink
People
Trapped

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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
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