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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
People
Trapped
Wearing
Worst
Anchovies
Girl
Fur
Look
Pitiful
Looks
Stole
Think
Unsuccessful
Thinking
Sink

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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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