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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Wearing
Worst
Anchovies
Girl
Fur
Look
Pitiful
Looks
Stole
Think
Unsuccessful
Thinking
Sink
People
Trapped

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
Phyllis Diller
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Phyllis Diller
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
Phyllis Diller
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
Phyllis Diller