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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Think
Unsuccessful
Thinking
Sink
People
Trapped
Wearing
Worst
Anchovies
Girl
Fur
Look
Pitiful
Looks
Stole

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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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