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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Girl
Fur
Look
Pitiful
Looks
Stole
Think
Unsuccessful
Thinking
Sink
People
Trapped
Wearing
Worst
Anchovies

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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