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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Foolishly
Descended
Listened
Line
Lines
Mother
Long

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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Phyllis Diller
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When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
Phyllis Diller