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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Foolishly
Descended
Listened
Line
Lines
Mother
Long

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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
Phyllis Diller
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Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Phyllis Diller
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
Phyllis Diller
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
Phyllis Diller