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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Long
Foolishly
Descended
Listened
Line
Lines
Mother

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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
Phyllis Diller
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
Phyllis Diller
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Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
Phyllis Diller
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All mothers are working mothers.
Phyllis Diller
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
Phyllis Diller