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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Audience
Punch
Gone
Bathroom
Today
Comics
Many
Bed
Time
Line
Either
Lines
Sleep
Ramble

More quotes by Phyllis Diller

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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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