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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Lines
Sleep
Ramble
Audience
Punch
Gone
Bathroom
Today
Comics
Many
Bed
Time
Line
Either
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
Phyllis Diller
I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
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I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
Phyllis Diller
Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
Phyllis Diller