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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Gone
Bathroom
Today
Comics
Many
Bed
Time
Line
Either
Lines
Sleep
Ramble
Audience
Punch
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
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Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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