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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Today
Comics
Many
Bed
Time
Line
Either
Lines
Sleep
Ramble
Audience
Punch
Gone
Bathroom
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
Phyllis Diller
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Phyllis Diller
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
Phyllis Diller
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
Phyllis Diller
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller
Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Phyllis Diller
I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Phyllis Diller
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
Phyllis Diller
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller