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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Gone
Bathroom
Today
Comics
Many
Bed
Time
Line
Either
Lines
Sleep
Ramble
Audience
Punch
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
Phyllis Diller
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Phyllis Diller
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Phyllis Diller
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
Phyllis Diller
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
Phyllis Diller
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
Phyllis Diller
You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
Phyllis Diller
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
Phyllis Diller
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
Phyllis Diller
Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
Phyllis Diller