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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Gone
Bathroom
Today
Comics
Many
Bed
Time
Line
Either
Lines
Sleep
Ramble
Audience
Punch
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, A teaspoon before going to bed, and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller