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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Lakes
Happenings
Happening
Absolutely
Marriage
Nothing
Nicknamed
Placid
Lake

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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
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It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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self-pity is better than none.
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