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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Placid
Lake
Lakes
Happenings
Happening
Absolutely
Marriage
Nothing
Nicknamed

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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
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Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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