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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Happening
Absolutely
Marriage
Nothing
Nicknamed
Placid
Lake
Lakes
Happenings

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I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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self-pity is better than none.
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My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
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I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I'm not losing a son I'm gaining a couch.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
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Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
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