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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Give
Giving
Beaters
Mixer
Lick
Shut
Husband
Wants
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed.
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You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
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Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
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self-pity is better than none.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
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When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Phyllis Diller
