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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
Phyllis Diller
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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Husband
Wants
Give
Giving
Beaters
Mixer
Lick
Shut
More quotes by Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
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I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
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Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
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I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
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For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
Phyllis Diller
My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Phyllis Diller
I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
Phyllis Diller
Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
Phyllis Diller
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
Phyllis Diller
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
Phyllis Diller
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
Phyllis Diller
