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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

Phyllis Diller

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Phyllis Diller
Age: 95 †
Born: 1917
Born: July 17
Died: 2012
Died: August 20
Actor
Comedian
Comedienne
Film Actor
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Lima
Ohio
Phyllis Ada Driver
Phyllis Driver
Phyllis Ada Diller
Give
Giving
Beaters
Mixer
Lick
Shut
Husband
Wants

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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book or a friend who's #read one.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
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In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
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I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
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It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss we touch gloves.
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Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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